Had a dream that some people had gone through my stuff to find dirt on me, and I caught them in my room. I bascially house arrested them and wouldn't let them go out. At first it was just like 2-3 people, but then it expanded into like a dozen and I forgot what got me up, but I woke up.

It was  difficult wrestling down this one guy who somehow had three arms, trying to get him to not leave with this info against me. And I tried so hard.

As I lay in sofa just trying to make sense of it. It was fairly obvious. That there were issues in my life that I wanted to badly to hide and was scared that people would find out about. But how it's just becoming too big of an issue for me to really deal with.

And I would usually pray. Reminding myself despite my financial issues, or personal issues, that God is bigger than all of that. I needed to be trained to be weened off of those concerns, or that my God is far greater than those problems, and if he wanted to could immediately resolve them from his vast treasury.

But I've been missing something crucial, and it dawned on me, that God loves me. I just had this perception of God, that he loves me but he'd rather discipline me and train me rather than care for me, that's what real love is. But that's a part of real love, another part of it is that God wants to help us in our troubles, will go to great lengths to help us, and will help out those who trust in him and come before him as they are, not trusting in themselves, but trusting in a perfectly just and merciful and deeply compassionate God.

So when I think about the problems that I face, I'll be overwhelmed. I look at my own spiritual life and see how lacking it is. I look at my physical life and see how lacking it is. And recognize that my life is full of lack, full of sin, full of selfishness, and that is simply who I am. But God's life is full of fullness, full of righteousness, full of love, and that is simply who he is.

And it captivates me that this is my Father, who did not spare himself any cost to save me. With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. All things are possible through him who gives me strength.

And seriously, the work of Christ is amazing beyond all comprehension of amazement. Glory Glory Glory. Our lives are full of his glory.

For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. St. Paul

But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding. St. Paul

Today I went to church and heard the sermon preached and the gospel wasn't preached.

I wondered if anyone else noticed, or anyone else cared. And then wondered if maybe not everyone is supposed to care. That not everyone is as heady about this stuff as I am, and maybe some people are about serving, or about having fellowship, and maybe my own thing is about teaching/preaching.

Some people might be disgruntled with a church if there isn't room for them to serve happily. Or some might get bothered if there isn't good fellowship, or maybe, maybe some like me get very bothered and frustrated when the gospel isn't preached.

Maybe it is about unity. And not complaining. And being thankful. Maybe it is simply about in humility considering others better than yourself.

But to what end? To just have a big, successful, society impacting church?

I needed to hear the gospel today. Not just intellectually. I didn't need to hang out with people today. Didn't need to wear a t-shirt to get the appearance of unity. I needed the Gospel in its full reality. I needed it to be preached from the pulpit, I needed to hear that the unity that we have is from us joining being dead to our sins and alive in Christ and that the Holy Spirit is working mightily within us and to have hope and courage to live boldly for the one who did not count equality with God something to be grasped, who in humility considered us sinners better than his own life, that he would lay it down for us in service and in death, for our sake.

Maybe I'm just venting out of my own frustrations in life. Trying to turn away my eyes from my own messed up life and just associating with all the other cracked up things around me. But. I wonder, how am I ever going to change? Because I need to change. I need to be confronted with the Gospel, though tears would fall out my eyes and my soul being wrenched in repentance.

Cos tell me if I'm wrong, but without truth, everything else is meaningless. Without LOVE, without the very love of Christ, without the Gospel, everything is meaningless and useless.

So I'm frustrated. I was hoping for something today but got thrown rotten carrion.